I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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