I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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