I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize