if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
