i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
