then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
