This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Randomize
