I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
