when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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