We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
