apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
