I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
