I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
