You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
