Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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