my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
