So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
