i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think I won the penis lottery.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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