so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
