I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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