I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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