it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just high enough for therapy.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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