New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
