In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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