There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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