I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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