so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
