my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
