Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Houston, we have a blender
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
