Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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