Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Randomize
