i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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