She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
