my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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