i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
