I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
