Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
