One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
