it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
