yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
