First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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