Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
