i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
