Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
