Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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