How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
