How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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