you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
