Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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