I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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