i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
