I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
