i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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