Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My underwear smells like fireworks.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
