i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
