Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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