I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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