The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
