i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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