There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
