im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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