the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
