he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I need to calm my uterus...
how drunk are you?
Several
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
