I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Come see our sink grown plant.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
